Freak Out Friday

It’s Friday and that means only one thing, it’s time for me to go on a rant about whatever is bothering me.  This week’s topic has me really heated. Today I am talking about being duped by TV stations.

If you were like me, last Sunday you spent two hours of your life watching a show called Eaten Alive. The show was being promoted as a guy was going to get into a special suit and let an anaconda swallow him whole.  I don’t know what is more morbid, the fact that a guy really came up with the idea to let a snake swallow him whole or the fact I was watching this show with a bag of Doritos in one hand and a beer in the other like I was watching Sunday night football. Unfortunately the show should have been called “men clueless in the forest”. Let me give you a rundown of how the show went down just in case you missed it.   So this guy Paul and his group of cronies (mostly made up friends who have no clue what the hell they are doing) set out in the rain forest to this place called the floating forest, which is only the most dangerous place on earth because of animals that inhabit the area. Once a year all the anaconda’s come to this place as a mating ground.  The group starts their trek through the wilderness and the whole time Paul is talking about this Anaconda that will need to be so long and so wide for his body to fit in the snake.  So at this point I am thinking that is a big snake. Paul then says that this snake is basically like big foot, people have claim to have seen it but no one has proof. So less than 15 minutes into the show and I am skeptical, but the show is called “Eaten Alive” so they must find it.  As the group is walking they come upon a small stream that will lead to the floating forest. I am thinking no way in hell would I get in that water knowing the snakes use it as road.  Paul and his cronies jump in as if they were jumping into a clear swimming pool. As they are walking in the water one of the friends says he feels some kind of shock coming through the water. Paul then says something like “oh ya I forgot to tell you that there is electric eel in this water.”  Now at this point I am starting to think these guys aren’t so bright. The group eventually makes it to the floating forest and they decide to break up into groups and look for the snakes.  They have no such luck, but they keep making you think that they heard something move around them.  Paul then comes up with the idea to send up a drone and get an aerial view. As the group is looking one of the men asks what a snake would look like, probable not the question you want to hear from someone you brought with you to look for a snake.  They eventually think they see a black line and decide to head to the area and see if it is a snake.  Now they are in small boats and Paul does spot an anaconda, so what does he do? He jumps in the water after it like he was doing a loose ball drill in football. The other goofs all follow lead and are in the water wrestling this behemoth of a snake all while the two ladies are on the boat rooting them on.  I have to say all I could think was please let this snake bite one of these dickheads. No such luck though. They eventually get the snake in the boat and this snake is big, like 25 feet big and Paul says, nope not big enough.  The show now has 10 minutes left and I am thinking I just got played, but then Paul says since we didn’t catch the one we were looking for we are going to use the one we have in captivity. Wait!! You mean to tell me that I watched this show for one hour and fifty minutes only to find out you could have just skipped the bullshit.  The snake they use was only 25 feet so once again I am thinking this doesn’t make sense. We were already told that size is too small.  So Paul suits up in this armored type suit ready to be eaten alive, but first he decides he needs to remove some of the armor so he can move his arms and legs better.  Ya Paul that suit was made for you to totally disregard. Paul gets doused with pig’s blood and goes in with the snake.  The snake quickly attacks and wraps around Paul and starts to constrict. Paul is making comments like, “she is heavy” and “she is really squeezing hard”.  No shit she is trying to kill you. After a few minutes of Paul being squeezed the snake moves its mouth towards Paul’s head. The snake opens and quickly decides not to eat. Paul then starts saying his arm is going to be broke if they don’t get him out, his crew of morons come running in and pull the snake off. The show ends.   

Apparently Paul got a lot of backlash on Twitter and social media for stunt. People, myself included wanted to see this dude get eaten. This is not the first time Discovery Channel has pulled a fast one on me though. During shark week they always have at least one show about this gigantic shark that has killed people and no one has been able to capture. This year they made it so damn real I was online planning my vacation around this shark. I thought I was going to be the guy to capture it. I have done a little fishing in my day in the rivers here in Pittsburgh so that has to count for something.  Nope!! Show was a hoax.  The show list could go on and on from mermaids to big foot, and yet they promote the shows like they are real.  I am tired of having the wool pulled over my eyes, just tell me the truth. If someone is going to get eaten I am watching, if not I don’t want to watch the show.  If they really do find big foot let me know, I want to catch that episode, if not just let those fools keep running in circles after something that isn’t there. I don’t think I am asking for much here just some honesty.

Did you watch any of these shows?